The Voice Inside My Head
Negative self-talk is common. Most of us carry around an internal voice that questions our choices, compares us to impossible standards, downplays our successes, and scolds us for wanting more.
That voice has had free rent in our heads (and hearts) for a long time.
Often, the voice disguises itself as being helpful. Protective. Practical. "I'm just trying to keep you safe," it says, while quietly filling us with doubt. It's a frenemy: a fake friend that chips away at our confidence.
In coaching, we call this voice the Saboteur.
Naming the Saboteur
Naming the Saboteur isn't about shaming it or trying to get rid of it. It's about noticing that it exists.
This voice learned its lines somewhere along the way—through experiences, expectations, culture, and comparison. It repeats what it knows. And because it's been around for so long, it can feel like the truth.
But it's just one voice.
Creating Distance from the Chatter
I've named my loudest Saboteur the Quiet Quitter. It doesn't yell or criticise. It sighs. "Nothing is going to change," it says, encouraging me to disengage before I risk disappointment.
When I notice that voice, I also know there's another one available to me. An ally. One of my allies feels like an Otter: playful, curious, and resourceful. It tells me that experimenting counts, that flexibility is a strength, that connection matters and that there's usually more than one way forward.
Researcher Ethan Kross, author of Chatter, talks about the power of creating distance from our negative inner dialogue. One simple way to do this is by shifting how we talk to ourselves.
Instead of using "I," try using your own name.
The Quiet Quitter tells me: "Things are never going to change"
My response: "I'm done trying"
The Otter Ally says: "Janet, that's a cool idea. Let's try it"
This small shift moves us out of judgment and into opportunity. It allows us to respond to ourselves the way we might respond to a trusted friend with clarity, compassion, and honesty.
Here's the thing: if the voice inside our head is talking to us all day anyway, why wouldn't we want one voice that really supports us? An ally wants us to grow and be well. A voice that is grounded in our values, honors our strengths, and takes our hopes seriously.
This voice doesn't pretend things are easy. It doesn't flatter or avoid hard truths. But it strategizes with us, not against us.
A Practice to Try
The next time the Saboteur shows up, try this:
- Name it: "I notice the Saboteur is here." Feel free to give it a name that befits its role in your life.
- Create distance: Talk kindly to yourself using your name, like you'd talk to a close friend needing some support.
- Get curious: Identify your values you want to lean on in the situation.
- Invite the Ally: What would a voice that wants me to succeed say instead?
You don't need to silence the Saboteur. You just need to stop letting it live unchecked.
If this resonates and you're curious about what coaching could offer you, I invite you to schedule a 30-minute introductory coaching call with me.
It's a chance to get a feel for who I am as a person and coach, learn what coaching is (and isn't), and explore a topic that's on your mind. Email me at janet@vire-coaching.com to set up a time to meet.